Warringah 6th June

Now Here Ye,  Now Here Ye

Warringah 6th June `Pedro Open` Match Report and more utter nonsense from D. Worley.

 

Well well well, what a lovely turnout of golfers, 17 I believe for Sundays `Pedro Open` at Warringah Golf Course.

After all the heavy rain during the week, i think we all had our doubts about what state the course was going to be in.

But low and behold, the course was great, weather was great and the Tee Off time of 8.10 am was perfect.

I was glad of the lay in after attending a bit of a shin dig at Mr Phil`s (little) the previous night,  waking up once again with a punishing bout of diaorreah.

As i staggered up to the 1st tee, my day was suddenly brightened by the presence of John Rutland. He was in good form and sporting a pair of white trousers with a `target like` ink blotch in the back of them set about 20mm from his tea towel holder. What was all that about?

Another thing that i noticed and i think we should all keep and eye on it, was the erect state of Alistair`s nipples. He had a very red face too. Ive a feeling that before he came to golf he treated himself to a `gentlemans` breakfast and hence was suffering from a bout of `bishops rage`.

 

We all tee`d off without a hitch, all hoping to turn in a splendid round worthy of capturing the `Pedro Open` trophy.

In my group was Neil and Rick Saunders (the rickster) The three of us spent the majority of the first 9 holes talking about Pauls (pauline) private parts. Plenty to talk about there. His privates were once likened to a cross between a `niknak` and a `widgety grub` with a bag hanging underneath resembling a blacksmiths apron.

 

I tried to emulate Phil Edney`s drive that he hit on a par three last week at Asquith by pulling out my driver on the long par 3 eighth. No luck, wasnt as good as Phil`s, i put it in the bushes.

With 9 holes behind us it was time to enjoy some halftime refreshments. We treated ourselves to a hot dog.....The skinless sausage in the bun gave Rick the giggles. He said it reminded him of his younger days. You could see with every mouthful that his mind wandered back to an incident that had happened in his youth. Then all of a sudden he showed fear, anger and then regret...... One can only guess what had happened to Rick all those years ago. I think someone should ask him...Better to release those pent up emotions in my opinion.

 

Anyway, after Ricks `moment` we resumed play. Everyone apart from Dermot, John Rutland and Pauline were setting a brisk pace.

I think that Pauline should have something attached to his knob that gives him an electric shock everytime he stands still for more than 15 seconds. Or, what about a long piece of string attached to his knob that goes back all the way to the group behind so that it can be yanked whenever he goes into one of his trances....(that was alistair`s idea) Then again, this tactic could catch on and some I feel would take advantage and have the string attached just to get yanked off...Its always the minority that ruin it for the majority....typical.

 

After speaking to a few golfers at the halfway point, there was no indication that anyone so far had played outstanding golf, so I guessed that the Trophy was still anyones.

 

I watched the group following behind a couple of times and witnessed some very accurate tee shots from Phil Edney. I sensed he was setting the standard.

 

I did see Master Darwin rolling around in the bushes at one stage and i sensed that he looking for somewhere to take a crap.

Talking of Master Darwin, once again i have it on good authority that he was seen up Balgowlah Mall scuttling in and out of the aisles where mens briefs are stocked. He was also apparently wearing a navy blue neckerchief. The same colour blue that was spotted on John Rutlands backside.....Bizarre to say the least.  I mean, navy blue,, thats so eighties....

 

The trophy was placed by myself (defending champ) on the table back at Harbord bowlo ready for presentation to the winner.

There was a bit of a debacle regarding the scoring, stableford or stroke. It would seem that all `Open` tournaments apart from Blackheath are to be stableford.....

 

Anyway, this years winner of the prestigious `Pedro Open Trophy` was Phil Edney with a super score of 36 points.

Well done Phil, consistent as always. I believe that is the second time that Phil has won the trophy.

 

And i believe that John Rutland was close behind and took second place gracefully.

Our visitor Rick Saunders also began to show some form and came close.

 

A good laugh was had at the bowlo afterwards. We all respectfully toasted the memory of Pedro, knocked back a couple of rums and reminised about his antics.

 

Master Darwin must have thought he was back in Benidorm and requested a `Pina Colada` when it was my turn to go to the bar.

I delivered it but unbeknowing to Master Darwin, I,d decorated the top of the drink with a sprinkling of my very own pubic hairs.

 

A good day had by all.

 

I was going to tell as promised the true storey about `The Monkey and the Poncho` but however, seeing as the day belongs to Pedro, i think it only proper that I tell the joke about `The West Indian (Seesip)) and this other bloke called (Barry) that met in a pub`.

 

Here goes;

 

One evening this bloke called Barry was havin a leak at the urinal, in the toilets of a pub. Then all of a sudden this big tall black man turns up and starts to relieve himself as well. "Sweet Jesus" says Barry, "Thats one hell of a long knob you,ve got there"

"Yea, thats right. Me name is Seesip, im from the Caribean man"  replies the coloured bloke with the long knob.

" When i grew up on this desert island, me mam hung a large coconut off me knob on a piece of string, and of course it stretched me knob down to me knees" said Seesip. "You wanna give it a go man" he continued.

"Im going to give it a go starting in the morning" says Barry. "Good Luck" Says Seesip. "Thankyou" says Barry.

 

A couple of weeks later Barry`s in the boozer again and spots Seesip on the other side of the room.

Barry cries out "Hey, Seesip, remember me, its Barry, im the bloke you had the chat with you about the knob and the coconut".

Seesip says " Yea man, did you do what i said with the string and the coconut?'' "Yes i did" says Barry.

"Is it working?" says Seesip. "I think so" says Barry, "My knobs started to turn black".

 

Great turn out lads, great day all round. Three cheers for `Pedro`.

 

Thankyou for your cooperation.

 

I will now hand you over to Mick for the official scores.

 

See you all at Long Reef on the 20th June.

Next weeks true storey as promised "The Monkey and the Poncho".