Warringah 4th July

Now Here Ye, Now Here Ye,

 

Warringah 4th July match report and more utter nonsense from D. Worley.

 

Well, the 1st tee on Sunday was a bizarre place to be i can tell you..

Paul (pauline) was there sporting two black eyes, a cut cheek and a whole lot of bruising around his buttocks and lumbar region. Apparently as the storey goes, Pauline got a lift home from a party with some strange bloke last week who set about Pauline after he advised that the strange bloke slow down and kerbed his erratic, dangerous driving.  Well,,, the plot thickens. Now it transpires that Pauline may have tried to thank the driver for giving him a lift home in a  `Gentlemans Way`. The driver has then got the hump and let fly with a torrent of blows with the majority aimed at Paulines groin and lumbar region.

 

Alistair was there once again with erect nipples and a red face and Master Darwin was present in his slippers.

No sign of Mick Noon. Apparently he`s off round the world on a pilgramige similar to Gerry`s jaunt although using his own funds and not the clubs.

 

No sign of John Rutland. Once again he has failed to show. Is it because weve loved him, although he feels that we have loved him wrong? This was a scenario that faced the Benedictine monks and the insecure head Friar (brother Pedro) of Florence in the early 1600`s.

What they did to overcome it was to all get naked and stand in a line one behind the other, placing the insecure Friar in the middle.

They then all bent over including brother Pedro, and reached between the legs of the monk in front and grasped hold of his carrot. A bit like a big human caterpillar.

What they did then was to let the insecure Friar dictate whether they motioned forwards or backwards without speaking, basically by either pulling on the monks carrot in front or pushing back into the monk behind. Trouble occurred when the monks realised that they`d forgot to put a time limit on it. The insecure Friar soon found his confidence and had them all shuffling back and forth for 3 days, forfeiting lunch.

A bizarre concept but recorded as successful and now commonly used in monk circles all over the world. Do you think that this could be a tactic we could use with our`Brother John`? Might get his confidence back. Its probably worth a go. 

 

And, low and behold Gerry (financial controller) was back from his pilgramige to China and not only came back with a new left shoe, but a new hat, a new pair of shorts, new socks and new hairstyle. It was like he,d been reborn. His return to the flock was a bit like when David Ike came back from his spiritual trip and presented himself to the world in a new purple tracksuit on Wogan.

Gerry informed me that he now speaks fluent Chinese and nothing but `Fu Yung` will pass his lips. He has yet to disclose exactly who `Fu Young` is?

 

Anyway, a good turnout, about 16 of us including 3 visitors.

 

Stevie Green had once again been spotted rehearsing, pre round in the nets, hell bent on putting together another solid round.

 

Off we went, down the first on a sunny but chilly Sunday. Hats were donned.

There was some erratic play going on from what i could see. Play was commencing at a steady pace. 9 holes soon passed and we were soon enjoying one of Warringahs famous skinless sausages in a bun. Neil had 2. One of which he carefully wrapped up and took home.

 

No exciting scores so far, the comp was still wide open.

Then, on the 11th Tee, the rumours circled mid whispers and hisses and what can only be described as a coup (coo) was in its early stages.

On the tee was a list, a list of voters that were determined to overthrow Gerry`s financial position and loosen his vice like grip on the clubs loot.  The betrayal was in place and the votes reined in for Stevie Green (tough but fair) to take control of the clubs finances.  Stevie was confident. He was already talking about booking a holiday. All would be sorted at the clubhouse.

 

We decided to have our presentation back at Harbord Bowlo.

All good. Balls were dished out to winners although most of them being handed to the last four ball. mmmmmmmm.

 

Some average scores came in with a couple of countbacks placing Sean `Raffo` as overall winner. Well done Sean.

Well done to the runners up too.

 

As the balls were given out Gerry silently boiled and waited for his moment when he could have his say and put a stop to the rot.

He put up a good account of himself and then came out with an awful allegation that whilst he was away, Stevie Green (tough but fair) had embezelled the clubs funds and placed a stack of dosh on the `Gee Gees`. Oh Stevie, the shame.

It wasnt Stevie`s misdermeaner that saved Jerry`s position though. Someone had drawn a knob on the voting (ballot) paper on the 11th tee.

As it turns out the majority of the votes werent for Stevie at all. They were for `the knob` to take over as the financial controller of the clubs funds. Trouble is the knob never turned up for the count and so the finances, by default have fallen back into Jerry`s (Alan Whicker) cold, icy grip.

 

There was an extra `best in 3` on the 18th. Apparently the prize was for Joey to offer his `juicy lips` in a gentlemans way whilst keeping his eyes open, to the winner, or,  the winner could simply win a ball. Raffo was the winner and when the balls could`nt be found it looked like Joey may have to make himself pretty and,  present himself. Joey had just began to moisten his lips with a piece of puff pasty when fortunately for Raffo we found the balls, Joey was hiding them under his chair. Naughty Joey.

Joey hung around for three hours just in case Raffo decided to change his mind.

 

 

As promised, the true storey of `The Pigeon, its Lover, his Wife and the Red Briefs`

 

It was in the summer of 2000, i was 21 and at work. Don, our labourer on site was a reknowned pigeon fancier and was quite fanatical about it. He had his own pigeon loft at the bottom of the garden. He was always going on about birds (feathered) and reckons he`d watched `Kes` 30 times.

One day he never showed up for work. The morning moved on and then around 11 am a red ford sierra 1.6L pulled up and a woman got out and wandered over. She was openly sobbing and explained that she was Don`s wife Sierra. (she apparently changed her name when they bought the car). Now, i was quite surprised that this was Don`s wife because he was always going on about how pretty his wife was and yet to me she looked a lot like Kevin Keegan. Each to his own i suppose.

"Whats up" i said "Is it Don?

"Don wont be in today" she said. She cleared her throat, wiped her eyes, drew in breath and then told us what had happened.

Apparently they had just had there tea and as it got dark Don grabbed his roll ups and headed off down the garden to the loft to attend to his pigeons. She said that all was normal but Don was clutching some bright red cloth and she felt he was guarding it from her view. It played on her mind and so after an hour she wandered down the garden licking a walnut whip, which was her usual evening treat. She was halted in her tracks when she heard " Coo, Coo, bang, you feel that baby, bang, bang"..It was Don.

She ran to the loft door and yanked it open only to find Don making love to one of his beloved pigeons by candlelight. Don was literally plundering its egg hole.

"You dirty Don" she cried. She said that the scene was pathetic. He was wearing nothing a pair of bright red briefs and then to her amazement, he,d made a tiny `G String` for the pigeon which was conveniently pulled over to one side of its cheeks. Don had ringed his own ankle and had set the timing clock,,, on himself. As Don turned around, she said that she`d never forget the look on the pigeons face as long as she lived. Its eyes were incredibly wide and bulbus, and full of guilt.  Don was embarrased and pulled an empty bag of seed over his head. Sierra turned, and with a mouthful of walnut whip informed him that she was going to call the authorities. The police came and the RSPCA and they took Don away. She said that he,d been charged with unlawfully `bird banging` and would be put away for some time. We never saw Don again. The pigeon was set free and has since been sighted still wearing its little `G String` and its bulbus eyes.

Apart from telling the foreman, the other 8 brickies working with us and the entire local pub, we stuck to our word as promised to Sierra and never told a soul. Don, once released, seperated from Sierra and got himself a job as a hospital DJ and was banned from ever touching another pigeon or going within 2 kilometers of a sewing machine.

 

 

Next weeks true storey " Dirty John and the Chinese Foot "

 

Thankyou for your cooperation

Good on yer fellas. See you all at Wakehurst on the 18th July.