NOW HERE YE, NOW HERE YE, Sunday`s Wakehurst Match Report and more utter nonsense from D.Worley.......
MMMmm, strange day it was.
Tee off time was cool but the course was very very wet.
Good turnout, around 15 or 16 i believe.
No carts allowed so all on foot today...
Once again, no sign of `Brother John` although Dermot was there and announced his presence with a large fart.
Off we went down the first, wet as. After one hole Keith looked like he`d been riding a motor cross bike,,,, very dirty legs.
Gerry`s new shoes were put through their paces.
The round was rather uneventful really, everyone playing rather ordinary golf, kinda slugging their way round.
My golf has gone to pieces and ive got a couple of irons on their last warning. I lost 6 balls.
Heavens to betsy, how we miss `Brother John` on days like these, to cheer us all up.
Once again, no one used the crapper on the 7th. All taking Gerry`s words of wisdom on board no doubt, `just walk away`.
Reminded me of a time when me and a mate went round to meet another mate who was round his birds house.
When we went in he was in the shower with her. He let us in, he had a towel wrapped round him and said " Wait in the bedroom for a mo" with that he bend over and forced out a large fart. Whilst being over zealous with the pushing out of the fart, a small blob of crap flew out, landing on the carpet. With his bird calling him he hastily proceeded to rub it into the carpet with his foot.
We took umbridge to being forced to wait for him whilst looking at this brown smudge so we proceeded to urinate in his birds perfume bottle and the iron too. All night long we could smell the urine on the pair of them.
Anyway, back to Wakehurst.
We were all hoping for a better back nine, but to no avail. I think everyone found it hard work..
Couldnt wait to get back to the club house.
Back at the clubhouse beer and pies were bought. Dermot found himself swooped on by a large Kookaburra which we think at first was going for his knob but opted for something on the plate which was larger....Apparantly they really like button mushrooms.
Dermot sat there with his legs a kimbo hoping for a revisitation from the bird but it never returned.
The beer flowed and sure enough we began to argue with Gerry about the club funds. Apparently we could well have enough funds at the end of the year to start up our own airline company.
There was talk though about the `Blackheath` trip. It looks like theres a coach booked that will pick us up and drop us at the Blackheath course Saturday arvo. A quick light lunch was discussed `possibly` paid for by the club followed by 9 holes.
Sounds good..Lookin forward to it.. (dont forget to order your `has anyone seen John Rutland?` T Shirt for the trip)
The scores for the round were read out and the worthy winner of the day was Sean `Raffo` Rafferty with 34 points i believe.
Well done Sean. Good round with the conditions considered.
Does anyone know what happened to Phil Edney? One minute he was there, the next, vanished like Mr Claypole off `renta ghost`.
This weeks true storey as promised " Two Perfectly Positioned Knots".
It was the summer of `81` i was ten. I,d been to see a mate who lived a fair walk away. On my way home around dusk i decided to walk past a place called `Leigh Park Gardens`. It was a local public gardens full of old large trees and a couple of lakes.
It was surrounded by a large chesnut pailed fence with 2 large gates of the same which closed and locked around 6pm.
It was the place where all kinds of shinannigans took place, some quite sinister. My mums cousin was murdered in there in the early 70`s. Anyway, it was a pretty spooky place to walk past as the night drew in.
As i got up parrallel with the gates, i put on a bit of pace due to feeling a bit freaked out. All of a sudden i heard "Hoo Hoo". I stopped and looked around, couldnt see anything. A couple of paces and then "Hoo Hoo", there it was again.
Now,, i know what an owl sounds like, but this was a human `Hoo`, The sort of `Hoo Hoo` you`d make when you were in the changing rooms at school, tackle tucked between your thighs, impersonating a female, trying to attract the attention of your mates.
"Hoo Hoo!!!", there it was again, but louder and with an earnest tone about it, almost desperate.
I was eating a bag of `monster munch` at the time and tried desperately not to rustle the bag.
My eyes were everywhere as i carried nervously along the path.
Then, "Hoo Hoo" again, i turned around and there was the culprit. Some pervert had climbed over the fence, found a fence pail that had a knot missing at groin height and poked his knob through it. It hung through, flacid, resembling a pensioners leg.
But to top it off, at eye height was another knot that he could put his eye to, to get a visual of his preys reaction. It was `the perfect fence for a pervert`..Ive never seen one since..... Took me a long time to erase the image from my memory.
I heard Johnny Morris once impersonate an owl and his impersonation was very similar......I wonder......
Good turnout lads, `Thankyou for your cooperation`.
Sorry lads im not playing at Bayview next week, so i wont be writing a report for it.
But however, i will be playing the next time at Warringah and telling the true storey " She Refused!!"
I will now hand you over to MIck for the official scores..
D. Worley
