No here ye, Now here ye,
Long Reef Match Report 20.06.10 plus more utter nonsense from D. Worley.
Well, well, well, sorry to say it, but a very poor turnout lads im afraid. Only six of us turned out.
Shame, it was lovely day too. Warm and sunny. Im not sure if the club has had to pay a fine, but for those who did not let Phil know that they were not coming will soon find out. (it was booked for 12)
Me and Neil got there sharpish although beaten to the nets by an enthusiastic Stevie Green. There he was, swinging and sweating.
Joey turned up next sporting a pair of flesh coloured slippers.
Phil Edney turned up with wild looking hair, sporting a large gash to his forehead. There was speculation that he,d been chinned by the missus, although Phil explained that he,d walked into a door............... That old chestnut..........
Anyway, we all hung about for 10 minutes and then decided to tee off.
The course was in good nick and as usual, the greens were lightening fast.
The round moved along at a steady pace, front nine holes done in 1.5 hrs.
Pies were grabbed for the back nine and we were off again. No one had over 12 points for the front 9, so it was destined for a low scoring round with the speedy greens to blame for that.
Young Phillip (ormesher) started to put together a few decent holes and got close to winning his first comp, but unfortunately the wheels fell off his round on the last couple of holes. (we all know that feeling)
The strangest part of the round was on the last par three. Me, Neil and young Phillip were just about to tee off over the water hazard when a turtle popped out. It climbed out onto a little log and began to stretch its head all the way out of its shell by about 3 inches.
Its neck looked a dark black colour, ugly as hell. All three of us looked at each other at this point and in unison said out loud "That turtles neck looks like Paul`s (Pauline) knob. The resemblance was uncanny. The fact that all three of us had actually seen Paul`s knob was probably even more weird.
With the round all done we ventured back to the clubhouse for a tally of the scores.
With count backs all over the show it would seem that Stevie Green (part time financial controller) had won the day, Phil Edney 2nd and me 3rd. Well done Stevie. All that early morning sweating in the nets paid off.
And now, as promised the true storey of "The Monkey and the Poncho"
It was in America in 1979. A video camera was set up to film the most amazing experiment of all time. It was mans endless search for immortality that made this experiment, inevitable. In the room were 3 of the best surgeons in the world, a nurse and a sedated monkey which was sat in a chair wearing a poncho, leaving only its head visible to all.
The purpose of the experiment was to take off the monkey`s head and transplant it with another. If succesful it would mean that humans too could exchange their head for another once their body was worn out.
The operation on the monkey began...............................................65 hrs later........................the operation was complete and they began to wake the monkey. which obviously had a new head.
The monkey opened its eyes and began to make monkey noises. Brilliant thought the surgeons, the experiment was successful, a true modern marvel.
They then removed the poncho. "OH Shit!" said the surgeons "What a cock up" The surgeons had exchanged the head, that bit went ok, but, they`d put the head on the wrong way round.
Because its head was on back to front all of its organs were working back to front. It had an erection of the anus and was taking a crap through its Knob. What a sight....
In order to protect the surgeons from embarrasment, the whole operation was covered up. NASA were said to be extremely dissapointed.
The monkey was hidden away from public view but however ended up a few years later, still wearing the poncho, playing `The Widow Twanky` in a West End panto alongside Wayne Sleep and Clive Dunn. Hence to say that it turned gay and entered into a doomed relationship with `Danny La Rue`.
Thankyou for your cooperation.
Next weeks true storey `The Pidgeon, its Lover, the Loft and the Red Briefs`
See you all at Warringah on the 4th July..(Neils Birthday)
D. Worley
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